When I Cry

“You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?” Psalms 56:8 

 “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” I Peter 5:7

Diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder in 1994, I lost physical ability and my sense of self; while my future loomed with a grim prognosis.  As always, I leaned on my Savior for strength and comfort.  I thought my pain would vanish and I would live forward without uncertainty.  I had so much to learn.

Living with a chronic disorder is for life.  Different challenges surfaced through the years,  shaking my faith, stealing my peace.  It became emotionally, mentally, and physically draining to live each day in the shadow of my diagnosis.  Every dynamic of my life altered.  Friends became scare and relationships eroded as isolation and loneliness joined fear to rattle my faith.

Tears.  So many tears.  When I did not cry, my soul sobbed.  I slipped into the darkness of apathetic despair.  I was able to go through the motions of life in a robotic guise, effectively hiding my painful inner turmoil.  While praying, I still put my trust in people for security, acceptance, just to be loved.  Relationship failures deepened my pain.  I cried.

Yielding complete trust only in God, I gave Him all my worries and fear.  Alone, I lay on the floor and sobbed the pain of my broken life in prayer as I felt the comfort of His healing embrace.  Through the guidance of a Christian support group, I spent time alone in Scripture, prayer, and I cried.  With healing came peace.

When I fully surrendered to God, I found the love, acceptance, and security that had been so elusive in people.   God was with me all the time. His love overwhelms me at times.  With a grateful heart, I cry.

“Dear Heavenly Father,  life is so hard.  I thank you for your love, patience, and holding me when I feel so alone.  I know I can give all my worries to you because you love me.  You see every tear.  I love you.”  Amen

Copyright © 2012


~ by Debbie Richardson on July 23, 2012.

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